The million dollar toilet
When we arrived in Japan and moved into our small apartment we had to adjust to one toilet. This was so much more than just an adjustment. It was, well, a problem. It was a bladder problem. And at times, it was a bowel problem. No amount of adjustment, no amount of hopping on one foot, no degree of visual imaging of hot dry deserts alters the fact that this was a big problem. Taking turns is one thing. Interruptions are an entirely different subject all together.
There you are, taking care of business and you suddenly find a small child with that wrinkled face standing in front of you. That face means you must stop mid (well, you get the idea) or else you will be mopping, not to mention moping.
Similar issues exist outside the house. The nicer stores and restaurants will have snazzy restrooms with automated and motion sensors adorned toileting accessories to facilitate the sanitary nature of your toileting experience. Motion sensors initiate background noise to accompany your toileting activities. There is of course motion sensor flushing; motion sensor faucet controls; motion sensor soap dispensers; and motion sensor activated hand dryers that actually dry your hands!
Not everything is automated. Some things still require a finger or two. Many western style public toilets will, just like the toilet in our house, have a heated seat and a built in bidet. Maybe its me, but I don’t particularly enjoy finding a retractable squirt gun hidden in my toilet seat. I particularly don’t like where its pointed! The toilet seat in our bathroom even has a blow dryer. (Please feel free to enter your own joke here, none of mine or printable.) Did I mention you can control the water temperature, water pressure and the warmth of your seat, while your fingers do the walking on the key pad next your toilet?
Not all toilets in Japan are high end. In fact, there is less than a 40% chance that you will find a western style toilet in most public restrooms. And in a train station you will be lucky if you find one of the five or six toilets labeled as “Western.” You may be wondering if only one is labeled as “Western” what the others are? Asian toilets, of course. Or as they are more commonly called: a squat toilet.
Growing up in Happy Valley, meant that I have encountered my share of outhouses and pit latrines. I was not prepared, many years ago when I had my first encounter with an asian toilet. I was in a small restaurant in Indonesia, a mom and pop joint that occupied the first floor of the owner’s home. I asked for and was directed to the restroom at the back of the house. My first surprise was to see that this was not only the restaurant’s restroom, but the family’s bathroom. I now knew what kind of shampoo my matronly waitress had used that morning and how clean she kept her tub. My second surprise, was the realization that someone had stolen their toilet.
For the uninitiated, there are a number of issues that need to be worked through when coming upon a squat toilet and deciding that you can’t hold it any longer. I feel reasonably safe in saying few, upon encountering a western toilet for the first time, stop to ponder which way to face. You see, and I hope I am not being too graphic, the umbrella like pee guard and the exit point are on the same (front) end of the oblong shallow porcelain bowl.
Once facing the correct direction, the next set of questions start to flood the brain. It is at this point that the oft misinterpreted and frequently scorned Straddle, Drop and Squat maneuver must be executed…you know, if you have decided that you absolutely cant wait.
Step one, the straddle – roughly shoulder width - isn’t at all difficult. I neither know, nor want to know what you do with your derie aire covering undergarment of choice when using the facilities. If, and I trust you wont’ feel the need to share this info with your colleague in the next cubicle, but IF you are inclined to let things drop to your ankles, well, you will want to re-think that before initiating the dropping of the drawers while straddling a squat toilet. I will assume you are not like my daughter, who regularly drops her drawers to her feet, sits, extends her legs straight out in front of her and plays ping pong with her princess themed drawers while tinkling. I think she takes after her mom in this regard…you know, the need to multitask at all times.
For the third and final stage, it may be most helpful to think about the Winter Olympics. Think about those downhill skiers holding that deep tuck. It is that deep tuck position that you will want to hold till you are finished. The good news is that you wont be going 70 mph, but the footing might be just as slippery.
There are two more issues while toileting with the straddle, drop and squat. The first is that there is absolutely no need to tarry. Assuming the squat position is one thing; having all that clothing bottled up under your knees and cutting off circulation is another. And then there is the danger of getting stuck in said position. This is not a place or a position to be in if you are prone to leg cramps.
The final issue, and the one my daughter takes greatest issue with, is that it’s hard to do all these things with one hand. Inevitably, my child has two fingers clamped over her nose.
Until squat toilets are designed with effective plumbing traps they will never be confused for a million dollar toilet, but will remain just an old crapper.
So what a man my age needs; what a man my age wants, is two toilets. It was this desire for two toilets that initially led us to start looking for a place to buy, as rentals with two toilets were simply unheard of in our area of Tokyo. Will out strolling one day we stepped into what is quite common in Japan: an elaborate mock up of a soon to be constructed Mansion. When they say “mansion” in Japanese, it means gigantic apartment complex. This Mansion was to be 38 stories tall and would tower over and cast an evening shadow upon Ueno Zoo, and the lake with paddle boats that forms the lower part of Ueno Park.
We didn’t have an appointment, but we only had to wait a short while before we were given the grand tour by a trained salesman. He led us through the extensively illustrated section that showed how it was built all of the measures taken to make it safe in an earthquake. We were led past the one and a half story model. And then we were shown three of the sample apartments. The last two were three bedroom deals that would be located on the 33-38 floors. And joy of all joy, these had two bathrooms with two toilets. Yours for the cool price of just over one million dollars.
While none of us had a million dollars for a toilet, or any desire to live on top of a skyscraper, this did give my wife just enough information to set her sights on an affordable house with two toilets. And so the search began.
Written August 20, 2005Buy Skype Credit now to make cheap calls internationally
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