Ticked at the “A’s”

I realize none of you need any more evidence than you already have that I am, well, different.  Yes, go ahead and put insane in there if you like.  And yes, from time to time things get in my crawl and just piss the livin’ begabbers out of me.

Last week, Apple was pissing me off.  But I spent some bucks buying a software program and a memory stick.  When placed together, they form a remarkable resemblance to a middle finger being thrown up in the air…a middle finger so sharp it can core an Apple.

I should point out before going further that last week’s issue and this week’s issue are both the result of me doing something nice.  Once again proving, being nice is waaaaayyyyyyy over rated!  There is an even crueler point here, I am now in a situation where I could benefit from legal advice and the person to whom I am married, the person to whom I did the initial nice thing for, is refusing to provide me with the advise I need, despite having connections that would expedite my ability to move on to something else that will drive me crazy next week.

I implore you to hear me out because I realize its highly unlikely you have experience with the issues I face.  And yes, please bear with me, I will get to the point where I explain why I hate apple and amazon and probably some other companies (or people) that begin with “A.”

I live in Japan.  I watch Japanese TV.  I watch American TV (albeit,  some seasons behind initial air date).  I watch Australia TV.  I watch a lot of BBC TV.  I regularly buy books, DVDs and other crap  from Amazon.com.  I regularly buy DVDs, books and other crap from amazon.co.jp.  I regularly buy dvds, books and other crap from amazon.co.uk.  All three are happy to take my money. All three are more than happy to send me this stuff.  All three are happy to send me stuff here (in Japan) and in the States.  Let me repeat this…all three are happy to send me physical packages.  You see, I understand that each of those sites is a different server and subsequently a different business entity.  I also realize that each is going to sell me things from their respective regions.  You may not realize, my largely US based friends, that the world is divided into DVD zones.  I understand that this was established back in the distant past when VHS and something called Beta battled for portable movie supremacy and was established to help prevent pirating of movies and music.  And I will over look the fact that anyone with two dvd drives, a thirty dollar software program, and some blank dvd’s can make a copy of anything they want…so I don’t really understand the use of the zones in an ever changing world market.  I personally get around the zones issue by having a region free dvd player.  You can get around this issue yourself, if you so desired, by going on line and seeing how to alter your machine or hell, you can literally go to, that is right, amazon.com, and buy a region free dvd player!  And oh yea, let me throw this in for those of you who used to read stuff I would write:  I am NOT making this up!

So with a region free dvd player life was good.  And then I did something nice:  I bought my daughter’s mother an iPad.  (Like how I did that?  those of you who used to read the stuff I used to write, see how I twisted an old phrase I use to overuse?  btw, given how much trouble I used to get for writing, “my wife’s daughter, ” can you even begin to fathom the trouble I am going to get in tonight?  Yea, me neither…and honestly, I am more than a little frightened!)

I got her the iPad so she would be able to watch TV shows and movies that I think are stupid while zooming around the world without having to listen to my smart ass comments about how stupid they are.  See how nice and thoughtful I am?   Only Apple, while happy to let you watch a dvd on its machines, has no easy way of loading your own movies and your own tv shows into your own iTunes program so you can transfer them to and watch them on your own iPad.  Again, I totally get that the movie companies don’t want folks pirating their stuff.  I get that.  But does Apple really get to control which devices I can watch my DVDs on?  I say no!   And, for the record, I can recommend a great piece of software that will let you say “NO!” too.

Of course the other reason I was nice and got my daughter’s mother an iPad, was so she could read books on it.  Granted, I was a wee bit selfish in this regard because I am getting older, am increasingly cranky, and disdain with ever increasing vitriol anything closely resembling manual labor.  In this latter category I place at the top of the list:  hauling suitcases full of books halfway around the world.  Second on the list is having to find places for them before they are read and after/before they are read again. (It might just be me, but I am pretty sure reading a book is like listening to gossip on “Hee Haw”…you better be sure and listen close the first time.  Am I right?  Or am I right?  Seriously, if you pay attention the first time, you can just think about it later… but then again, unlike my daughter’s mother, I can brush my teeth, workout (ok, i don’t actually do this one), watch TV, get a shower, cook (ok she doesn’t actually do this one), and get dressed without reading at the same time.  And yes, my daughter’s mother can NOT brush her teeth without reading a book..and for the record, if her electric toothbrush shakes at the end of the two minute cycle and she hasn’t finished the chapter, she pauses, puts more toothpaste on, restarts the toothbrush and continues reading.  I have literally seen her do this five times in a row.  As God as my witness I am NOT making this up!  (And yet, I am supposedly the crazy one in the family.)  Oh, and this is where my daughter’s mother points out that if she didn’t re-read these books, there would be even more.  I would count the ways this is wrong, but honestly, I gave up years ago.

So the iPad was going to limit the piles of books in the house and my need to cart them around the world for her.  Reading books on an iPad comes with a lot of options.  You can use iBooks…and give Apple more money.  This is like the movie/TV show thing…if you want to get the things through them, no worries they are happy to take your money.  If you have come across one by some other means…well then not so fast partner.  There is Stanza, which seems to be pretty popular among the “I am not going to use iTunes/iBook crowd.  And then there is Kindle.

If you have been on any of the Amazon websites in the last three years you have seen an ad for their little reader.  What you may not know is that you can download a little application and turn your computer into a kindle reader.  You can also get an app for your iPhone (smart phone), iTouch, and your iPad that turns them into Kindle readers.  So I, being the nice guy that I am, set up the Kindle app on my daughter’s mother’s iPad.  I downloaded the complete Jane Austen library.  I downloaded Gone with the Wind, because my wife must have this in every media format ever known to man.  I downloaded some of the juicy picture-less smut she goes for.  All is well and right with the world…

And then we return to Japan.  And I try to download some books from the amazon.co.uk site.  The same site that regularly sends us boxes in Japan and to our US address.  I am suddenly being transferred to amazon.com.  I can shop for millions, billions and probably trillions of items including ebooks on the amazon.co.uk site.   And they will happily /ship any of those items.  And then I am forbidden from buying this one product?  A product that Amazon (in all of its manifestations) doesn’t have to destroy an entire rain forest to box for me. That is right,  I don’t need a box.  I don’t need what ever version of plastic filler they are using this week.  I don’t need anyone to go tell a machine to go get something off a shelf.  I don’t need postal or delivery personal in multiple countries to move, or drive and in the process destroy the ozone with vehicles in all shapes and sizes.  All I need is an electronic pathway to an electronic file that has already been created.  Will someone please please please explain to me how this is NOT restriction of trade and against the law?  Seriously, please, without hyperbole, I am begging one of you, any of you, to explain this to me.

Again, let me point out, I am talking about a book.  A book that I can purchase a hard copy of.  I am not talking about something that has multiple release dates; I am not talking about pornographic literature; I am not talking about things that would make a customs’ officer eyes bug out.  I literally am unable to even download the readily available (on multiple sites and every known reading application) free ebooks from the amazon.co.uk site unless I am physically in the U.K.  But if I want to purchase a soft or hard back version of the same book, oh, then no problem.  How does that make sense?  Again, I am literally begging you for an answer!

How is this not a news item?  How does this NOT negatively impact the stock value of Amazon?  How can Amazon executives not be aware of this in their quest to be able to sell everyone in the world everything?  And to do it through multiple servers to increase their efficiency of delivery while lowering their cost of delivery? OH, and then there is the grand irony, that Amazon, the company that has made ebook sales profitable and popular (not to mention putting big-box books store out of business in the process – oh the irony that they now face the fate that claimed  the small book stores) is now blocking downloads to its own machines?  How does this make business sense?

It is with these issues that wife takes issue with me, and subsequently, I with her!  You see, I am on a campaign to let the execs of Amazon know.  It is this issue where my daughter’s mother possesses certain contacts that she is unwilling to share with me.  Does that strike you as odd?  Why wouldn’t she help me help her?  I find this as confusing at the reading while brushing teeth thing.

Oh, and don’t tell me to contact customer support…been there, done that.  Here is their canned response:
“Kindle and Kindle content can only be purchased from Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk, and is not available from any of our other international websites.

You have direct access to the Kindle Store on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk from your Kindle through the built-in Whispernet feature. “

WOW!  Great answer!  Oh wait, on second reading, not so much…you know, given that you CAN”T!

So since customer support can’t help me.  And since my wife won’t pass along certain email addresses, I sent emails  to CNN.com and BBC.com and suggested this story to some of my favorite business, travel, and internet usage programs (programmes).  Guess we will have to wait and see if anyone thinks this is an idea to run with…stay tuned…I will.